At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
