I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
My liver just had a heart attack.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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