I cannot find my penis.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
