Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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