I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
