drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
