I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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