Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I touched a dick in church today
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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