dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
