Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
