I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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