I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
