I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
