I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
