had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Is Oprah even human
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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