your thong is hanging out like whoa
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
