Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
