I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
