Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
