She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
