somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
