dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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