I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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