I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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