You can't motorboat a personality
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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