I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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