splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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