Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Randomize