I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
