saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
