well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just googled if crying burns calories
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
