Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
