I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
