Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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