My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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