I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize