Umm I'm too high to move.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
