actually, I'm a sock model
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
