Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
