Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
