I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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