Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
