Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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