his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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