New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
