This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
