And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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