Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
