My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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