Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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