Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Randomize
