a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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