I think my fart just growled at me.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
