I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
