Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
